What Not to Say to an Adult Child (And What to Say Instead)

If you have an adult child pulling away from you, you might be wondering, What went wrong? Why do they seem distant? Why won’t they just let the past go and move forward?

Many parents, even with the best intentions, say things that actually make healing harder instead of bringing their child closer. Words meant to smooth things over can unintentionally cause more damage.

This post will break down the top phrases you should never say to an adult child—and what to say instead if you want to rebuild trust, connection, and understanding.

What’s Holding You Back?

Sometimes, parents don’t realize how much their words dismiss, invalidate, or trigger old wounds. Even if your intentions are good, the way your adult child hears your words is what matters.

1. “I Did the Best I Could”

You may have done the best you could with what you knew at the time, but this phrase often comes off as defensive.

🚫 How it sounds to your child:

• “Stop blaming me.”

• “Your pain doesn’t matter because I had good intentions.”

• “Let’s move on without talking about it.”

💡 What to say instead:

✅ “I know I made mistakes, and I want to understand how they affected you.”

✅ “I may not have known better then, but I’m willing to learn now.”

This shifts the conversation from defense to openness—which invites healing.

2. “I’m Not Perfect”

Yes, nobody is perfect. But when you say this in response to their feelings, it can feel like an excuse rather than accountability.

🚫 How it sounds to your child:

• “I don’t want to hear how I hurt you.”

• “Let’s just drop it.”

• “I’m not interested in doing better.”

💡 What to say instead:

✅ “I know I’m not perfect, but I want to understand your experience.”

✅ “If I hurt you, I want to make it right.”

Again, this small shift shows a willingness to listen rather than dismiss.

Moving Beyond Dismissal to Real Healing

1. “Time Heals All Wounds” or “Let’s Put This Behind Us”

Many parents want to bury the past and move forward. But healing doesn’t work that way.

🚫 How it sounds to your child:

• “I don’t want to acknowledge the pain I caused.”

• “Just forget about it and be grateful.”

• “Stop making a big deal out of this.”

💡 What to say instead:

✅ “I want to make things better, not just pretend it didn’t happen.”

✅ “What can I do now to help our relationship feel safe and real?”

This tells them you value a deeper, more authentic connection—not just a surface-level reunion.

2. “Family Is Family” (AKA Guilt-Driven Reconciliation)

This is one of the most harmful phrases because it implies that blood ties should override emotional pain.

🚫 How it sounds to your child:

• “You don’t have the right to set boundaries.”

• “Forgive me because I’m family, not because I’ve made amends.”

• “Your feelings should come second to keeping the family together.”

💡 What to say instead:✅ “I value our relationship, and I want to rebuild trust.”✅ “I respect your boundaries, and I want to be part of your life in a way that feels safe for you.”

This shift puts the focus on earning a place in their life rather than demanding it.

Simple Steps to Start Rebuilding Trust Today

If you’ve realized that some of your words have hurt more than helped, don’t panic. Healing is possible, but it starts with real accountability and a willingness to listen.

Step 1: Acknowledge Without Excuses

Instead of justifying past actions, acknowledge them head-on.

✅ Wrong approach: “I was doing my best, you don’t understand how hard it was for me.”

✅ Better approach: “I realize my actions hurt you, even if that wasn’t my intention.”

Step 2: Ask, Don’t Assume

Many parents assume they know how their child feels—but often, they don’t.

Try asking:

• “How did that experience affect you?”

• “What do you need from me to feel heard and understood?”

• “Is there anything I can do differently moving forward?”

Step 3: Show, Don’t Just Say

Words mean nothing without action. If you say you want to improve, prove it.

• Respect their boundaries.

• Apologize sincerely (without expecting instant forgiveness).

• Be patient and consistent.

Staying Committed to Change

Healing isn’t a one-time conversation—it’s an ongoing process.

1. Don’t Rush the Process

Your child may need time. Don’t push them to “move on” before they’re ready.

🔥 Reminder: Just because YOU are ready to reconnect doesn’t mean THEY are.

2. Accept That They May Have Boundaries

If your child needs space, respect it. Forcing connection can push them further away.

Instead, let them know:✅ “I respect your needs and will be here when you’re ready.”

3. Keep Learning and Growing

Healing requires self-awareness and growth. If your child shares something that surprises or hurts you, sit with it instead of reacting defensively.

✔ Read books on trauma and emotional intelligence.

✔ Consider therapy or coaching to break generational patterns.

✔ Commit to being the parent they need NOW, not justifying the past.

Insights from Dr. Peter Gagliardo

Dr. Peter Gagliardo emphasizes that true healing begins with genuine accountability.

“Parents who truly want to heal their relationships with their adult children must learn to listen without defending, acknowledge without dismissing, and validate without rushing the process.”

If you’ve struggled to reconnect, this is your opportunity to shift your approach and create a stronger foundation.

A Better Relationship Starts Now

✔ You don’t need to be perfect—just open and willing.

✔ Your child isn’t asking for perfection, just accountability.

✔ The best way to rebuild trust is to show, not just say.

💬 Which of these phrases have you heard or said before? Share in the comments.

👉 Book a free strategy session to start repairing your relationships today.